


Don't You Know Who I Think I Am?

by random_fandom_memorandum



Series: Save Yourself, I'll Hold Them Back [1]
Category: Stormlight Archive - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: Asexual Kaladin, Book 04: Rhythm of War Spoilers, Cuddling, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Book 04: Rhythm of War, Sharing a Bed, bisexual adolin, give kaladin happiness 2021, there are spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 03:47:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28593489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/random_fandom_memorandum/pseuds/random_fandom_memorandum
Summary: Kaladin has a panic attack late at night. Adolin comforts him.
Relationships: Kaladin/Adolin Kholin
Series: Save Yourself, I'll Hold Them Back [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2106063
Comments: 14
Kudos: 45





	Don't You Know Who I Think I Am?

**Author's Note:**

> this has noooothing to do with the poly triad tweet I swear
> 
> https://twitter.com/BrandSanderson/status/1182196017719988225

Kaladin woke up in a cold sweat, his heart pounding in his chest. He sat up and scanned the dim room for his spear. _Where had he left it? Where was it?_ Getting out of bed, he stood up and reached his hand forward to summon the sylspear. _Come on, come on,_ he thought. _Where was she? What if she'd left? Had he broken their bond again? Had they gone through all the trials only to have their captain destroy it all? Not again not again not again not again._ He inhaled sharply, drawing in some of the stormlight from the spheres on the table. 

Even if he'd had a normal blade, it would only have taken him ten heartbeats. He hadn't been counting, but his heart was beating far too fast and it should have happened already and where was she and his head hurt and heralds why was this taking so long? _Pleasepleasepleaseplease don't let her be dead, or worse._

Somebody's knife was on the bedside table. He picked it up and drew it from the sheath. Not a spear, but it'd do. 

_Protect them._

His breathing was the loudest thing in the room and he couldn't think and his head was spinning and where was Syl? He tightened his grip on the knife, backing into a corner. Moash's words from that day in Hearthstone rung in his mind.

_They're going to die, you know._

This shouldn't be happening to him. He should have been done with these by now. It'd been months. He'd talked about it. He'd worked on it, worked so hard. They should have gone away.

_Everyone you love, everyone you think you can protect. They're all going to die anyway. There's nothing you can do about it._

"No," he whispered, barely audible. "Please. Not again."

_There is only one answer. One path. One result. The path to freedom is simple. I want you to stop hurting. I want you to be free._

He thought he'd have been done with this after Moash got thrown out a window. Why couldn't his past leave him alone? He'd been through so much, and the thing that would bring him down would be himself. _Oh, the irony._

_The answer is to stop existing, Kal. You've always known it, haven't you? As you fail them, remember you have a way out. You have an escape. Step back up to that cliff and give in. Jump into the darkness. You can't protect them all at once._

He'd sworn the fourth oath. Why was this still happening?

_Give. In._

He felt frozen. He felt numb. It was the room beneath Roshone's all over again. The fear. The pain. The horrifying thought that some of Moash's words seemed true. 

_No number of oaths will spare you from your pain._

He couldn't do this. There wasn't a point, was there? Nothing was getting better.

_Just let go. What's holding you here?_

Moash had been right, hadn't he? He should let go. It would be easier than this. Less painful than this. _You swore an oath,_ he told himself. _Life before death, right?_ But that was before his world crumbled around him. That was before he was betrayed by his closest friend. That was before said friend murdered Teft. _What's the point? Everytime I swear an oath, things get better – and they did!_ – _but every time I fall back down again. And I'm sick of getting up._

_Elhokar. Tien. Roshone. Teft. You caused their deaths. You let them die. It's your fault. No matter what you do, it's never enough. You will never be enough._

It was so hard to breathe...

"Kaladin?" someone said.

He whipped around, pale eyes wide and wild. "A-" His breathing stuttered. "Adolin?"

The other man was sitting up, rubbing his eyes. He saw Kaladin and his face softened, then fell. He stood up and started walking over to where Kaladin stood.

_You don't deserve his pity._

Kaladin curled in on himself, holding the knife point-first at Adolin. 

_You don't deserve him._

"Go," he said weakly. "You shouldn't be seeing this."

_You don't deserve anything, save the cold embrace of death._

His body shuddered involuntarily. Adolin stepped forward and pulled the knife out of his grip. 

_So easy, almost like child's play. Like it was to kill Te-_

"GO AWAY!" He didn't know if he was shouting at Adolin or his inner voice. "Please," he added, his voice shaking. Knees weak, he crumbled to the floor. Someone – Adolin? – stepped towards him. The noise seemed deafening. He tried to force himself further into the corner. 

Adolin knelt down beside him. "Shh," he said. "He's not here." He laid one hand on Kaladin's back. "You're safe," he continued. 

A blue light zoomed into the room and landed on Adolin's shoulder. _Syl?_ He uncurled a bit to look up. She shifted out of her windspren form and into the shape of a young woman in a havah. _She's not dead_ , he thought, relieved. _She's okay._ _I haven't broken my bond._ Tears slid down his face. _Heralds, I'm a mess._

Landing on Adolin's shoulder, she peered down at him. "Kaladin?" she asked, her voice quivering. "Are you okay?"

A dozen responses flew through his mind. _I think it's pretty obvious that I'm not okay._ He didn't say anything. He didn't trust himself to speak. He'd say something that'd give him away. That'd make them take away his command of the support groups. They didn't need to deal with his pain too. That was his job. And what he deserved. 

"Are you having one of your attacks again?" she asked. Adolin held up the knife. She nodded at him. Their wordless exchange continued for another minute that felt like hours to Kaladin. 

Adolin scooted closer to Kaladin and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Breathe with me." He started counting. Obediently, Kaladin followed. What else could he do? Slowly, his breath stopped shuddering and his heart rate returned to normal. He could feel cold sweat on his back. All at once he felt hot and frozen and exhausted. 

"Can you sit up?" Syl asked him. He nodded weakly.

Adolin took Kaladin's hands in his own as he sat up, back wedged into the corner. "You're going to be okay," he reassured Kaladin. "I've got you. You're safe here, okay? You're going to be all right. I'm here for you. Can you tell me – er, us – what happened?"

He looked up into Adolin's sky-blue eyes. _Heralds, those eyes_. Long ago, they would have made Adolin evil to him. How could he ever have seen him as an enemy? He was so kind and caring. He didn't deserve Adolin. "I-" Words were hard. He moved his mouth, but no sound came out. It was like being underwater. Unbidden, his memories of the node in the well came flooding back. His heart started to beat faster, but he focused on matching the other man's breathing. _In. Hold. Out. Hold. In. Hold. Out. Hold._

After it steadied and he stopped shaking, he focused on finding words. "I woke up a few minutes ago. I had a nightmare. _He_ was there. Mo-" He choked up. _I can't do this._ Another tear slid down his face. And another. And then he was crying again and why did he have to be like this and why why why?

The blond squeezed his hands again. "You're okay. He isn't here. I know who you mean and you don't have to say his name." Syl nodded in agreement.

"He was there, and I was back in Hearthstone during the evacuation, when we took the Fourth Bridge to get everyone out. I felt like it was happening all over again – my conversation? argument? – with him, but worse. So much worse, and I couldn't find Syl. I thought I'd broken my bond with her because I couldn't find or hear her. He gave me the same speech he had before, but with more and it didn't stop when I woke up."

As he paused to catch his breath, Syl started speaking. "Kaladin. Our bond is stronger than it's ever been before. I wouldn't abandon you. You've come so far, and I think you'll go even further."

"Then why didn't you come?"

A sad smile crossed her face. "You told me I could go out in the rain and chase windspren. I thought you were asleep. You know it takes a while for me to get to you." She regained her serious tone. "But I came as soon as I felt you in pain. None of this, none of those deaths, none of the destruction – none of it's your fault. I know that you want to take responsibility for everything, to protect everyone. But that's not possible. Even you, with stormlight, surges, blade, and plate, can't take care of that many people. You need to protect yourself too," she added, walking across the air to stand right in front of his face. "You are just as worthy of love as anyone else."

_Am I? It doesn't feel like it._

"Yes, you are," she said. He didn't realize he'd spoken aloud. "And the voice in your head that says otherwise is a liar."

Adolin smiled slightly and ran one hand through Kaladin's hair. "You may not believe it, but even Radiants need to take breaks sometimes. It's okay to let someone else take over for a little bit so you can relax. You can't protect them if you can't protect yourself. And i'm not just talking about physical protection. Sometimes we need to be protected from ourselves. I know that after my mother died, I didn't want to stop training for days. I wanted to be the best so that nobody would ever have to fight again and I wouldn't lose anymore people. Renarin realized I was overworking myself and made me stop before I got hurt. I'm sure you know from experience that overworked muscles aren't a joke." He sighed. "I've gone on a tangent, sorry. My point is, you can't go on forever. At some point, you need to stop worrying about other people and take care of yourself."

"Sometimes I feel like it's not worth it. Or that I don't deserve it. No matter how many times I tell myself that I'm worth it or that someone tells me they care about me, I feel like they're lying to me. And I know you're not, obviously. But I can't shake the feeling. That I don't matter. Or that I've done damage that can't be undone."

Syl sat down on an invisible bench. "The past is past, and you can't change it. No Radiant, Fused, or fabrial can do that. So stop trying. Accept it, and move on. Maybe you've made mistakes. Maybe some of them were really bad. But you've also made up for them, over and over. The things you did for the bridgemen. The way you tried to help others escape slavery. How you stood up for Elhokar and what you thought was right. How you went back for Dalinar. How you worked tirelessly to train the Windrunners. Even after Dalinar sidelined you, you kept working as a healer, and made so much progress. You brought joy back into the lives of so many who had lost hope. Kal, you revolutionized how they handle diseases of the mind. That's no small feat. They now have treatments beyond dark rooms."

"I- Thank you," Kaladin said weakly. "Sometimes when I get like this, I feel like I'm slipping back into the darkness again – the place I was after the duel. And I've come out of it in the past, but each time it seems to get worse. No matter how many oaths I swear, it always comes back. It never goes away. I'm never finished. I may as well give up now. To spare myself the pain of trying to go on. It's only going to get worse and I'm never going to get better. I want the pain to stop. It hurts so much."

Adolin reached forward and hugged him. He started, off guard. He hadn't been expecting that and he needed to be free in case something happened.

 _In case what_ happened? he asked himself. Adolin's _here and so is Syl. Shallan's a room over and there's guards in the hallway. You're okay._ He let himself melt into Adolin's embrace, wrapping his arms around the other man's neck. 

He was safe. He was okay. 

"Life," Adolin said, "is hard. And you've definitely gotten the short end of the stick. You've been through a lot. It's okay to hurt and want it to stop. That's natural. Everyone feels that way. But we're here for you – I'm here for you – when you need us to be, okay? Sadness and grief don't go away in a linear fashion. They take time. Think about sickness. Do all wounds heal at the same rate? Don't some get worse before they get better? No."

"Some never heal at all," Kaladin whispered. Syl made a shushing gesture. 

"Most do," Adolin continued. "Sometimes things are going to get worse before they get better. Right now, things are pretty bad for you. But they're looking up."

"I have you."

"Yes, you do. Until the last star in the sky goes dun, you have me. I know it seems bad right now. I know the loss hurts. I know it aches in your chest every day like a wound no Light can heal. I also know that you're strong. I know that you've kept fighting despite impossible odds. I know that you've got a good heart. I know that you're so much more than your pain."

He was crying again. _Storms. Adolin's going to be mad that you messed up his shirt._ "I don't deserve you – this."

"Oh, Kaladin," Adolin sighed. "You deserve more than I could ever give you. But I'll give you everything I can anyway. You're worth so much more to me than you tell yourself. There's nothing that could make me stop loving you. No matter what you tell yourself, you're beautiful and amazing. I know you don't feel like it, but I promise on Maya that you are."

_On Maya... she means a lot to him._

"He's telling the truth," Syl spoke in his mind. "Or at least what he believes. He's sincere."

_I..._

"Stop telling yourself you don't deserve him," she continued. "He _chose._ "

Shallan had told him about the trial at Lasting Integrity. About how the spren had chosen to break their bonds. He knew how much that word meant to them. Syl hadn't used it lightly. It carried weight.

_He chose? He... chose. Me._

"Yes, silly. He did choose. He chose you."

Kaladin opened his eyes for a minute and saw her sitting in front of him. She reached out and patted his nose with one hand. Over the past months, she'd steadily become more corporeal. She could hold leaves or turn pages in books. It felt like a slight puff of cool air. 

"Thank you," he mumbled into Adolin's neck. "That means a lot to me."

He could feel Adolin nod slightly. "I just hope you can remember that – this?– if and when you feel sad again. It's going to keep happening and be an uphill climb. But you're strong. You've made it this far. I believe you can keep going. You're not alone anymore. We're here to take some of the weight off your shoulders. Do you think you can stand now?"

"Maybe." His legs still felt like they'd been soulcast into mush. 

"I'll just carry you then," Adolin said. He grabbed Kaladin's legs and then moved his other hand to support his back. With one smooth motion, Kaladin was lifted off the floor in a bridal carry. 

"Oh," he said, at a loss for words. _Storms._ Sometimes he forgot just how _strong_ Adolin was, even though he didn't have stormlight. It was impressive, and maybe a little bit hot. A lot hot. He let himself relax into Adolin's arms. "Where are we going?"

"It's pretty late still and you have tomorrow off. You – we – should get some sleep. So bed," he answered, walking over to their shared bed. 

He still thought it was too large for two people. Four people could fit on that with room left over, for honor's sake! He'd had Shallan measure it with lightweaving. There were enough blankets and pillows for an entire bridge crew, but he had to admit that it was really comfortable and warm. For the first time in years, he'd been sleeping through the night most of the time. He felt bad that Shallan had been kicked out for the night, but she'd assured him she would be fine. Even after her personalities had started to merge back together, she spent nights collecting information in the seedier sides of the tower. 

Gently, Adolin set him down on the bed. Syl followed, landing on the headboard. Kaladin remembered the conversation he'd had with her a long time ago and blushed furiously. _"I'm still not sure I understand the mechanics between two men,"_ she'd said. _"Can you explain it? You seem to be interested in Adolin the same way Shallan is."_ He'd had to clarify that he wasn't really interested in sex at all.

At the time, she'd seemed confused. _"That's not normal. Most men your age, even those interested in other men, are very active."_ He wondered if there was something wrong with him. If he was broken. But he'd realized he was okay. Not broken. Just different. He wanted a relationship, wanted to be wanted. He wanted kind words, late night talks, walks on the terrace to look at stars, to cuddle in bed. The sex part just didn't interest him. Looking.back, he realized he'd never been sexually interested in anyone, even his previous crushes. 

And that was okay with him. He'd brought it up to Shallan once, and she said Jasnah was similar. There was a word for it, it turned out. Asexuality. Not experiencing sexual attraction. Too embarrassed to talk about it to Adolin, he had asked Shallan to do it for him. Adolin was okay with it too, and was happy to keep their relationship within Kaladin's boundaries. 

Adolin climbing back onto the bed startled Kaladin out of his thoughts. In fact, any thoughts he did have fled his brain entirely as the hem of Adolin's shirt lifted, revealing his stomach. 

He held up something and Kaladin's heart raced. "Calm down," Adolin assured him. "It's not a knife." He brought it closer to Kaladin's face so he could see it. "It's a hairbrush."

Kaldin pushed himself back up to sit against the headboard. "Hey," he protested. "My hair isn't that bad."

"Oh, Kal." His heart skipped a beat at the nickname. "Your hair is a disaster."

"It is not!"

"I think something might be living in it," Syl added helpfully.

"Will you let me brush your hair?" Adolin asked.

He knew that Kaladin couldn't resist that face he made when he wanted something. So of course, he made it. "Fine."

"Alright then," he said. "Come here."

Kaladin moved to sit with his back facing Adolin, crossing his legs. "I'm ready, I guess."

Adolin started brushing his hair. It felt strange at first, having someone else do it for him. Most of the time, he just left it up in a ponytail, only taking it down to retie it when it came loose. He noticed that the other man was holding the hair _above_ where he was brushing it in order to keep from pulling on Kaladin's scalp. It was far more pleasant than the way he did it himself. 

When he was done, Kaladin reached up to touch his hair. "It feels so soft," he whispered. "How?"

"Can't tell you. Trade secret," Adolin said, leaning over Kaladin's shoulder to kiss him on the cheek. He pulled a blue ribbon from the table and tied Kaladin's hair up with it. "There. It matches your eyes now."

"You mean it matches _me_ ," Syl interrupted. 

"It matches Syl too." She nodded in approval. "We should probably sleep now."

"Probably," Kaladin agreed. He shifted back over to his side of the bed and curled up on his side. A second later, he felt Adolin move to lay down next to him. 

The other man wrapped one arm around Kaladin, pulling him close. With his back pressed against Adolin's chest and arms wrapped around him, he felt safe. Calm.

It was a good feeling.

**Author's Note:**

> I did this instead of schoolwork and I feel happy for once. kids, remember that self care is important. you need to take breaks sometimes, and you're not a failure for doing so. love yourselves, you deserve it.


End file.
